Squee!

tonegativeone @ 2009-04-23T03:51:00

2009-04-23T10:52:48Z

I still need to update everyone on my trip to Oklahoma, but I just don't have the time right now.

I just wanted to share this quote that I adore

Everyone is hated by someone
don't be surprised by a knife in the back.
Everyone is loved by someone
don't be surprised by a kiss in the dark.

GOOD!...Morning?

2008-11-19T10:51:53Z

It's 2:30am, Andrea. WTF?!?!?

Anyway, I'm doing really good! It's been a bit since I updated.

School is going great. I'm so happy to have a direction now, getting my Web Master's certificate. I thought that would be the worst thing to get, but my professor who runs his own graphics/web design business and as far as I have seen is really successful, he thinks I would do great, and I know he would help me out after I got my certificate.

After I get my certificate, I will continue going to school. I'd like to get it just to start me off and all, but I'll definitely need more schooling. I am just so damn happy to be back in school. I LOVE it! Even though I have a Math test tomorrow. Bleh.

AND AND AND Thanksgiving is about here! You KNOW I love cooking. We're apparently having 3 Thanksgivings. Two of them will be an actual Thanksgiving dinner with turkey, and one of them won't.

Thursday I'm going home with my sister to have a Thanksgiving with my father's family at her house. My poor sister is uber broke since her husband's overtime hours were cut, so we're just having some enchiladas and stuff. That's fine enough by me, personally.

Next week, Thanksgiving Day, my family will be going to my brother in law's mother's house since his whole family is coming down from LA. Then probably the next day or Saturday, we will have our Thanksgiving here. My sister and I worked out our menu and grocery list, so we'll be getting around to the shopping soon. I hate we waited so long, but whatever. I'm excited to be in the kitchen cooking. I have a couple of new recipes I'm going to try.

I'm just really happy right now. I LOVE the holiday season. Unfortunately I haven't visited my garden for a while. It's in desperate need of some TLC. I feel bad for neglecting it. The next time I have time, I have some things I need to plant and then I need to take a trip to good ol' WalMart and see what they have this Fall.

Speaking of that place, I sooo miss working there at this time of year. It's busy, it's stressful, but work goes by fast, people are more chatty, and I'm surrounded by holiday stuff^_^

<3
Me

I leave you with this song that just makes me happy.

Rasputina - Brand New Key
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMrCEmqiTKo
Care for some Buffy?

Bleh

2008-10-25T17:32:09Z

As most of you know by now, my good friend Brittany died.

I've been going through a lot of emotional, MOPEY things lately. This is terrible news.

I don't know how I feel about anything. I hurt, I miss, I want many things.

She had an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sure I talked about it and her before in this journal.

Thank you, Rebecca, for being the first one there to offer comfort. Thank you, Trish and Adam who have been there for me and have talked to me at my absolute worst. And thank you to everyone who has offered me comfort and a friendly ear and shoulder.

I really appreciate it.

I know I've been drawn into myself for a very long time it seems like. I've been chasing dreams in my own personal hell for the past 4 years and haven't been happy with anything.

I hate that that bastard called me mopey, but I have been for quite some time now. This isn't the Andrea I used to know. I lost myself.

Brittany wasn't some acquaintance, she was my actual friend, a close friend. She wasn't someone I knew once.

There's nothing I can do. I hate the helpless feeling.

My grandmother's death taught me to appreciate family and life more. Brittany's death has inspired me to stop wasting my life. She was only 23, just a year older than me.

I'm tired of a life chasing dreams and people who aren't there. I'm tired of constantly battling depression. I'm tired of not having happiness in my life. In fact, I'm infuriated with it, infuriated with myself.

I guess the only way you can honor someone who has passed is to live life to the fullest, etc etc. It sounds like a plan, man.

I'm still in grieving mode right now, though. I don't know how I feel. I feel powerless.

I wish there was more anyone could've done for her. When I last saw her in June, she was in high spirits and had already accepted inevitable death with an open and loving heart. Who else could honestly say they could have that attitude when it really came down to it?

tonegativeone @ 2008-10-19T17:30:00

2008-10-20T00:31:13Z

If you are on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you.
I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other.
Short and sweet is fine... you're on my list, so I want to know you better!

Comment here and repost a blank one on your own journal.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

tonegativeone @ 2008-10-14T15:18:00

2008-10-14T22:19:02Z

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
tonegativeone goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Unicron.
clone1 gives you 17 mottled green strawberry-flavoured gumdrops.
ivyluv gives you 14 milky white blueberry-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
nakedtiamz gives you 17 red strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
pink131980 gives you 6 light blue licorice-flavoured jawbreakers.
princessleia2 gives you 2 blue lime-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
scoparr gives you 16 mauve banana-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
sentroid91 gives you 3 yellow banana-flavoured nuggets.
vixen_in_purple gives you 1 teal evil-flavoured nuggets.
weirdedsel gives you 1 red strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
xnightvixenx gives you 3 blue lime-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
tonegativeone ends up with 80 pieces of candy.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Here I Am...Again

2008-10-10T23:38:13Z

Another year, another broken heart to mend.

So Matt's been doing great apparently, since he dumped me, got a promotion, and found someone else within a month. He most likely cheated on me as well. Karma, right? And yeah, suddenly I want to apologize to his wife. But there's not much I can do to fix that situation anymore. I've got to let this go and put it all behind me. For once in 4 long, aching years...put him behind me.

I don't wish him well or wish him luck.

I don't wish him anything except whatever karma he deserves, and for all the pain he's caused so many people and for all the lies..well..he may be happy now, but he's going to crash and burn something awful, and he'll have no special woman there to help him pick up the pieces. Not me, not his soon to be ex wife, not even his supposed soul mate. He won't have anyone except the thoughts and memories of a man who had it all and didn't know how to be faithful. I don't believe he's capable of real love at all. Just illusions. Years later when his son moves out, he's going to be alone. Alone in that big, beautiful, and empty house.

Oh right, putting this behind me..

I've been trying to heal myself from the massive blow of being discarded and forgotten after he built my hopes up once again after so long. Some people never learn, do they? I'm one of them.

Been busy with college. My English class was becoming overwhelming, so I dropped it, and feel fucking awful about it.

I'm feeling a fraction of a bit better each day, as long as I keep myself occupied.

That link Rebecca posted a bit ago of Mogulus, I've been on there almost 24/7 since she showed it to me, watching horror/sci fi movies/things and talking to people. In fact, I even made a friend! zomg.

I baked cookies last night and cried throughout. The pain seems to come most when I'm not mindlessly keeping my eyes occupied and just sitting there brain dead. Hell, even in the shower I just feel awful. I cannot handle anything that has to do with romance.

I keep saying this and mean it...I've never hated someone before. It's a terrible feeling. It's deep and dark. I should concentrate on it to help me get through this.

I'm only 22 years old. I've experienced a lot of bullshit in the love department that I should never have messed with. Thanks for jading me, asshole. But there's my Karma. Now I'll not be able to appreciate someone who really loves me because I'll believe he's a liar, and the minute I let my guard down, I'll be hurt something bad.

I don't believe in love for myself.

I think I'm going to pirate myself some PC games. I can't stand the overwhelming hurt I feel when I'm not keeping myself occupied. I seriously would not wish this kind of hurt on my worst ene - oh wait, Matt's my worst enemy and I DEFINITELY WISH THIS ON HIM.

There I go, racking myself up some bad Karma.

I really didn't know I was capable of such hate in my heart.

Damnit, this is what happens when I sit down to write a serious entry.

Sunday, going to a neat pumpkin patch with my sister and nephew.

I hope Alyssa comes over tonight...getting me out of the house will do me some good. No Eternal Darkness, though.

Ah, maybe that Pushing Daisies episode was for me this week - fresh starts, even if they hurt. Don't worry, not about to throw up rainbows here, but what the fuck else can I do? This path I'm on now...it's not where I want to be in life, not now, not ever. I never want to feel worthless like this again, and not good enough. Fuck, I don't want to hate anyone, I don't want to be jaded, I don't want all this emotional baggage. I want to go back to the end of highschool, just before this all began....I would avoid Matt like the plague and be happy. My life would have been so much different, for the better I would assume.

If your love can't keep the man you love, tears and hate aren't about to bring him back, right?

So, there's a recap of my life right now and what's going on in my head. Anger of being dumped, depression, depression, irritated with school, irritated with myself, some more depression, etc etc

I'm going to go shower since I think I drained a good enough amount of my thoughts here so that I can actually enjoy a nice, hot shower, and then I'm going to go start FaeFever FINALLY. Just been sitting there in hardback next to me all pretty and purple.

tonegativeone @ 2008-07-20T21:11:00

2008-07-21T04:29:41Z

Yes, I've been keeping to myself for the most part.

Yes, I'm sorry!!

My friends should know by now that I'm the type of person where if I don't talk to you for long periods of time, it does NOT mean my feelings about you have changed or I like you less or anything!! I have to be in a mood to talk, and I know that sounds awful, but it's true. I used to be very good with small talk, but the past couple years have proved otherwise.

I have also been distracted with school and ...other...things...^_^ ( That last topic is locked, though!)

I forgot all about Comic Con this year. I'm surprised John went. I feel bad I honestly have no money or transportation to visit him while he's so close, but unfortunately that's how it goes when you're a poor college student. DRAGONCON 09!!!! I don't know how, but I'll be saving up for it.

School is fine, but I missed almost all of last week due to feeling like shit and lack of sleep.

A's birthday was a few days ago, and I wasn't invited to do anything, but knowing her, she probably just stayed home. I can't blame her, it was her birthday and I have no car OR money...so what was she supposed to do, eh? I'm not mad or anything, just a little sad.

In other news, my 26yo sister is contemplating taking out her 14k or whatever of her retirement, quitting her job, and going to a vocational school where you get your certificate in like 90 days or something. She's absolutely miserable at her job.

The end for now.

College

2008-06-24T09:48:31Z

Night 2 of college.

Had a brief 45 minute nap from around 8pm - 08:45pm.

Woke up and Skyped until 12:10am. Got into bed at 12:25.

Fell asleep and woke up around 1:30ish am.

Still awake an hour later.

Sooo, my first day at college.

My good friend, Brittany, stayed the night. In the morning her aunt came to pick her up and she was kind enough to drop me off at the bus stop. The bus ride was nice.

Hike my way up the hill, up the stairs, and zero in on a misfit group, a gay guy with terrible acne and two girls. I ask for help in finding my class, I mention I'm a first time student after being out of highschool for 4 years and the gay guy goes "Oh my gaaaaaawd! Screw that" or something. I ignore it, they gave me directions after all and then scooted away. Assholes.

Hike up a bunch of stairs, find my room and a pretty little Hispanic girl comes along and thankfully she was friendly, so we chatted. Then this older lady in her 50s comes along. There's always someone like her, it seems. Doesn't care about their appearance, no makeup, messy hair, not very pretty even if she wore makeup, dressed in jeans and a shirt and those fucking sandals that make me cringe. You know, the kind that look like they're strapped to your feet so much as if your foot would fall off if you didn't have all those stupid buckles and whatnot? Like this http://www.sz-wholesale.com/uploadFiles/sandals_339.jpg And of course unpainted and not manicured toenails. Appearance is one thing, but then you add the socially awkward, borderline obnoxiously loud, uses cuss words at inappropriate times when everyone is dead silent kind of attitude....you HAVE to know what I'm talking about. At least in SoCal, there's always someone like that. Those people annoy me. So she was there and butted into our conversation.

After a bit the teacher arrives and lets us in. He's Hispanic, but no accent. Kind of a big guy with very neat salt and pepper hair. I would say he's in his 40s, but he has a lot of energy. From what I gathered he is a computer and gaming nerd and divorced and successful.

The Dreamweaver class is small-ish, which is how I like it.

We basically had orientation, that's it, and we introduced ourselves. There were several adults associated with church in some way taking the class to help the church.

35 minute break between two classes. I have the same teacher in the same room for Adobe Photoshop.

Now that class was particularly full. Many college boys wearing mandals were there. Ugh, they ALL had mandals!!!!! EWWW!!!

It was the same exact orientation. The classes are like 2 hours long, so the second one he cut us loose an hour early, which was when the fun happened.

Not.

If I stick to my school schedule, my last class ends at 2:50. The next bus going home doesn't get there until 3:30. That's a 40 minute wait. I got out a whole HOUR earlier than 2:50 with no earlier bus schedule times!

I spend $1.50 on the payphone trying to catch my mom or my sister or my brother and NO ONE answers.

I walk down the steps and figure "Fuck it, I'm just going to go around like a beggar and ask to use someone's phone", I of course spot a friendly enough looking couple, someone with their phone already out so they can't lie and say "I don't have one".

The girl was extremely nice and let me use the phone. She said she doesn't pay the bill, so I could use it as much as I needed. My brother finally answered and said my mom wasn't due home for an hour and a half. I figure "Oh fuck, now I have to wait a whole hour and a half for my bus to get here in this fucking heat", but thankfully the girl's boyfriend said they were headed to my town and would give me a ride. This is not the first time I've ridden with strangers. I DID feel more comfortable after talking with them for a half hour. They were waiting for his twin brother to get out of class. We didn't even leave until a bit after 3.

They were extremely nice, I was so thankful and really blessed that they offered me a ride.

I got home and almost minutes after I sit down, my mom comes home:\ She immediately sends me out to WalMart to pick up things for her job and to buy a prepaid cellphone.

I spent a good couple hours, I would say, there. A very handsome boy at the connection center talked to me for a while and helped me pick out a new phone, then since I wasn't dressed like white trash for once, I headed to the fitting room to talk to my old coworkers and that took up a while, too. Then I finished my shopping and came home.

I swear, before I knew it it was 7pm, then 9pm. Mon Dieu! My time just fucking flew.

I AM tired, but I can't sleep. I get up at 7am, and if I go to bed in 10 minutes, I'll get 4 hours of sleep. This is NOT good.

School is fun though! Wish me luck on the bus ride home tomorrow!

Early Morning Entry

2008-01-22T13:11:23Z

Sheesh, so much for that. I type the subject then I go boil some water and go to the bathroom. Talk about short attention span.

What to update?

The 18th was a fine day. Besides my 4 yr old nephew, I was the sole witness to see my sister and her man get married at City Hall. After 7+ years of living together, they decided to semi sorta elope. My sister is happier now, and to be honest I didn't think it'd make a difference to her. She keeps repeating "at least we're not living in sin anymore" which kind of irks me, but to each their own.

After that, my sister and I went to visit our family friend who had just had her baby hours before my sister got married. We stayed there for a while, and her daughter is as cute as a button. She had a natural birth, and I learned that pushing the baby out was way better than an orgasm, words straight from the mother's mouth. I thought that was an interesting bit of information.

Later that night was filled with celebrating at Chili's with my family and my sister's husband's family. And I discovered the sweet drink called Slippery Nipple, and I also discovered Blow Job shots....though I had to use my hands to take it ^_^ It was one of the few times I've gotten near drunk in front of my family. But it felt good.

In other news..

Well hell, what else is there? My windowsill herb garden is coming along nicely - the seeds that is, they aren't actual plants yet.

Hmm..I can only bitch so much about my job troubles. Today more calls will be made. I can't wait for the County forever, but I'm contemplating calling them.

I've been sick for 2 days due to being on the rag. The past 2 days have been a blur. I've been in pain, then I felt like I was going to puke every 5 seconds, then I took a couple sleeping pills and they knocked me the fuck out. I still have a fuzzy feeling, but I'm all better now.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell!

Brief After Christmas Update

2007-12-26T10:46:27Z

I've been sick the past couple of days, but I managed to cook Christmas dinner completely by myself. The minute I was done, I went to bed and slept for 3 hours. I couldn't bring myself to get up. My food came out really good though, thankfully. My ham kicked ass.

So....Christmas loot. I honestly did not expect to get anything, but I did.

A black leather computer chair
Anniversary Edition of the Labyrinth DVD
A GIR purse is on it's way
Cute slipper socks
Green Zombie Bunny plushie
A book I've been wanting
A purple multi tint set of makeup bags
A purple scarf
$40 gift card to WalMart [I may hate working there, but I love to shop there...also I better find what I did with the damned thing! Bad me]
A Secret Santa present is still on its way for me

Even Pandora made out, she got

A stocking full of a bunch of toys
A doggie bed [leopard print, not my thing, but my Dad bought it for her, so of course I'll shut up and keep it, it's cute despite the leopard print]
A matching leopard print dress [again, not my thing, but I put it on her real quick and made my sister take a picture for my dad to see later]
Some doggie treats ^_^

It was a good day, though I didn't hear from any of my friends on the phone, but that didn't bother me. I've been too sick to care, to be honest.

I hope I'm not sick all the way through New Year's. I also hope I can make some actual NYE plans for once.

Meh, maybe another update later.
The kids made out really good, so did my sister and her man. My mom has a perfume on the way, and she liked my assorted coffee thing I got her and the big bottle of beer bread mix.

I Should Start Using The Subject Line More Often

2007-11-02T09:13:49Z

Hello kiddies! (kekeke, don't you love the Crypt Keeper?)

Halloween was slightly interesting. Having barely made plans for Halloween not even 24 hours before, I made my way to a party with my old WalMart coworkers. It was nice to hear the store went to Hell in a hand basket after I left and there's not enough coverage anywhere. Yay for that!

We ordered pizza, drank, and watched Good Luck Chuck, which has a lot of tits in it, and had ourselves a grand ol' time. Since my N's house wasn't so far away from mine, I planned on ending my Halloween night with a nice walk through the cemetery so I could clear my head and get lost in my thoughts for a while, but it didn't work out like that.

A, my ex coworker and friend, is one of the sweetest girls you will meet. She's the sober, responsible one. Everyone always has one friend that is the designated "good person" and lead a good and maybe more privileged life. For once she decided to spend the night at N's house so she could let loose and party. Little miss Good Girl drank enough to be pronounced drunk.

Enter the sleaze ball. Also an ex coworker. He's Indian, tall, lanky, likes to wear the bling, if you will, and is the type where his only goal in highschool was to get laid as many times as he could. Borderline stalkerish, just wants some ass.

Out of nowhere, my good girl A lets the sleaze ball feel her up and kiss her. I couldn't bear to look. The other few people at the party were shocked as well and terribly uncomfortable. Our sweet A is in a drunken stupor and won't let us talk sense to her. It becomes so uncomfortable N grabs the car keys and says she's taking me home, and the other few people follow.

There went my walk:(

So...that was...interesting. I haven't called A yet to see how she's doing. I hope she isn't actually interested in this guy.

In other news on the job hunt front, things are at a still. I called back several places where I put an application into, and apparently they are barely going through applications. I called the movie theater, and the woman kind of discouraged me, but she wasn't management and she said she really didn't know what was going on, so I'm giving it a few more days and I will call back and ask to speak with a manager.

I hate hate HATE how I think I got a job bagged, or that my interview went insanely well....and then not a damn thing happens after that.

-sigh-

I suppose that's it for now, it's 2am and I'm thinking I should make some tea and get to bed.

tonegativeone @ 2007-10-04T07:48:00

2007-10-04T14:48:14Z

Halloween Meme

adrenailine shows up with burning torches, pitchforks and dip

archetype_zero puts real eyeballs in your brains

clone1 gives you a toothbrush

comicsandcoffee sacrifices xnightvixenx's pumpkin

faeangelique eats pink131980's spicy, spicy brains.

ivyluv creates an unholy monstrosity from ivyluv, pink131980 and archetype_zero

pink131980 swoops on sentroid91 and drains their candy

princessleia2 summons the undead armies of comicsandcoffee to steal your candy

rsambassador haunts your Bank Manager's lunchbox

scoparr carves ivyluv's effigy in the medium of cutlery

sentroid91 dresses up as scoparr

thomfoolery TPs clone1

tonicbh runs around screaming for hours until abruptly silenced by princessleia2, wielding a sharpened brain

weirdedsel puts apples in your razorblades

xnightvixenx TPs your socks

LJ Name

tonegativeone @ 2007-09-24T22:52:00

2007-09-25T06:19:15Z

What is it about love? Or attraction? Why do we feel so powerful when we're in love, and yet love makes us feel so weak?

I suppose feeling powerful comes from having a certain amount of control over another human being. Control as in you, by just being yourself, you drive this other person wild. They want you, think about you, fantasize about you, and maybe even love you. You have a control of that person without knowing it. I guess that's why in a lover's argument, it's common to hear "that hurts, you have no idea what kind of power you have over me" and no one ever really does know what kind of power they wield over a lover.

The weakness, obviously, comes from love or attraction not being mutual, or loss of it. All love interests become evil, and you start to really believe everyone has a different motive for trying to get close to you. Weakness when it comes to love or attraction never stays a weakness, though. People get over it, or find someone that helps them get over it, or turn their love of the person that doesn't love them back into hatred.

And there's also the attraction that makes you want to give up on having any kind of relationship. The kind of attraction where you both start off attracted, and either one of two things happens: 1) person A starts feeling more than just attraction for person B, and person B isn't ready or looking for that kind of thing or 2) person A loses interest in person B while person B is still very interested

Everyone wants to be wanted, and they want to be wanted by the person they want.

These are all things you already knew, but I felt like pointing out the obvious.

tonegativeone @ 2007-09-14T00:32:00

2007-09-14T07:40:53Z

Since it's about 12:30, I can say my interview for Hollywood Video is today at 2pm. I'm nervous, but I have a good feeling about it.

I'm really hoping I can get this job. I think it would be good for me.

In other news, I finally finished watching all the episodes of Dead Like Me. It's a great show, and I can't believe it ever got canceled or not picked up again, whichever. It's hardly a surprise, look at Firefly, Futurama (though they had a decent run, but we still want MOAR!), and hell! even Courage the Cowardly Dog! People!

I keep wanting to write more, but every time I get around to making an entry, it all escapes me.

Here's to the night and hot tea and the promise of Autumn. Cheers, and wish me luck for my interview.

Oh my...

2007-08-22T05:56:08Z

You can tell you're isolating yourself when you don't post on LJ, but don't even bother reading the friend's entries (which is something I do more than I post).

I've been watching an ungodly amount of Futurama. Sometimes I get sick of it, since I put my Futurama and Invader Zim episodes on play while I sleep every single night for the past year, but then when I'm awake and watch it, sometimes it's new to me.

I watched Disturbia and it was pretty cool.

The heat is killing my plants....AGAIN.

I have a lot of time on my hands, yet there always seems to be someone bugging me for my time, if that makes sense.

...I thought I had more things to say, or link you all to interesting stuff...but I don't. Oh well.

tonegativeone @ 2007-07-27T03:52:00

2007-07-27T11:08:22Z

I was watching the anime Death Note, but after completely reading all the related Wiki pages, I kind of don't feel like it anymore. Usually spoilers don't bother me, but I wasn't clinging to this anime anyway. I think it was for 2 reasons...a) the characters had no real emotion, we never learned anything too personal about them and b) there's next to no love story. I never knew I was that kind of girl...but I guess I am. I will sit down one of these days and watch the movies, though.

I'm in two minds about Comic Con.

Part of me is really, really, really bummed I'm not there with Chubecca and I can't see John. This bothers me, especially since it seemed Rebecca was upset I wasn't going. I want to be there, there's so many things I wanted to see this time around, and I wanted to make 100% more of an effort to really hang out with my friends that were going to be there.

But then on the other side....what am I missing? Last year I tried so hard to pretty myself up and everything, and what ended up happening? I was hotter than hell, all sweaty and sticky feeling in my lovely corsets and fishnets. My feet ached, and I was dog tired by 5pm. By the last day, I could hardly stand my roommate and I just wanted to go the fuck home. And I really hate unpacking. I'd rather leave the suitcase in my room until I needed something rather than unpack.

And some of the things I wanted to do so badly and people I wanted to see so much...just cut me down to size. I was waiting to see Gris Grimly. I stood in line for almost an hour, my best little outfit on with my boobs popping out [ever so lovely, might I add], and boom, I was being pushed out of the booth before I could open my mouth. Pretty much *sign card with the same cheesy saying as everyone elses* "Glad you came out to support Mad Creations", and there I go being lead to the outside, blinking. FEH! Shit like that really soured my experience.

I can't help but sympathize with Jhonen Vasquez who is actually there this year [jeez, just my luck, right?]. Of course in all his entries I've ever read and he talked about the Comic Con, it was always negative. I can't help but wonder if half of those hundreds or thousands of people lining up for his signing realize how much he loathes even being there. Or, so he says.

I also watched just a little bit of the coverage on G4, and they said that there are 40,000 more people there this year than last...Man was it crowded enough last year! After a few minutes, you just accepted being bumped against and constantly being broken from your party every few seconds. And to think people brought little kids and strollers to that place!!!! Mon Dieu!

Well, despite my bitterness, I sincerely hope John and Chubecca are having a great time. I hope they take loads of pictures for me [Oh, I can always count on Rebecca for that, thank God]. I know if I were going, I wouldn't be so bitter like this.....but..meh, I'll get over it.

I should go to bed. Tonight the whole family is going out Mini Golfing. I hope we have a lot of fun, actually.

Okay, seriously going to bed now!

An Overdue Entry

2007-07-26T10:10:57Z

First thing's first, I quit the lovely WalMart on Saturday. I quietly walked out after alerting a member of management - I had finally had it with that damned place. Part of me still can't believe I did it, while the other part is glad that I don't have any actual bills. Job hunting shall resume very, very soon.

I have been completely flaking on filling out my application for school. The Counselor I have been in touch with is ready to give up on me. It's all my fault really, but I am determined to have it done before tonight is over with.

The Comic Con is going on right now. I'm a bit upset I can't go. I'm just sad I can't see John, who flew all the way from NJ to be out here. It's not like you always get to see your internet friends face to face all the time. Hell, Rebecca is 10 times closer to me than she's ever been, and we still hardly get to see each other!

I am trying to catch up on my internet slack lately, but I can't seem to force myself to make constant rounds on all my messageboards. The only one I have an interest in poking my nose into is the Minion.

Hm...what else?

Oh, my mom seems to be very remorseful as of late about her life so far. She's really trying to stop being such a flake, she's even cried over it, and all I can do is let her, I think it will ultimately be better for her and the family if she knocks the nonsense off. But who knows, maybe she's like this because she's going to be leaving for a Vegas Bash for a week in a few days.

Old flames. Feh. Old internet flames are all I have, period. Some people would be embarrassed to admit it, but I rather like it that way.
Andy talked to me on Trillian a few days ago. Actually had the audacity to scold me for not getting new contacts and glasses, he even said "if you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for me". Hm. I have a feeling he didn't mean to say it, but if there's one thing you can't accuse Andy of, it's being uncaring. Through our spread out and rocky friendship/relationship, no matter what has happened, he has always genuinely cared to some extent of my well being, but I believe he is like that to anyone who is his friend.
Even though it has taken me two painful years to get over my last love, I can at least say that there is a steady pang in my heart when Andy comes to mind. It must be in the way he acts and in his voice that it is so very rare that I am ever jealous of his happiness.

But then look at me. Here I am talking steadily to two of my exes. Unlike with Andy, there has been much bitterness between myself and these two.

That mini rant may have thrown you off the trail, but trust me, there is no love interest as of late. I do not have a love life, there is no one I am flirting with, there are no dreams of someone's face. I feel numb in that department, but I suppose after 2 years of having no one like that in your life, what can be expected?

Only two more days...

2007-07-14T20:32:07Z

And then finally I get my 2 days off from work. It's been so long since I've had a steady 4-1 shift that it's a little hard to get back into it. I constantly have headaches.

I woke up today and loathed everyone around me except my dog.

Trillian is being a bitch and hasn't been letting me stay connected lately, so my apologies to those of you whose list I'm on and I keep going on and off.

I haven't been talking to anyone really, online or off. I'm in my own little world, watching InuYasha episodes, looking up things on Wikipedia, and reading my Harry Potter e-books.

There are a few movies I want to see, but haven't had the chance.

Last night I somewhat reconciled with an old friend at work, but towards the end of the night, she kinda ignored me or something... :s

I'm in a somewhat hateful mood, but I hope it improves when I go to work. My cow that I always go to lunch with and hang out with is gone on vacation, which is kind of nice. I like her, but I always feel obligated now to hang out with her. Oh well.

The end.

tonegativeone @ 2007-07-10T15:30:00

2007-07-10T22:42:49Z

That sums up the past couple of weeks, including right now.

My birthday party was really fun. It seems as though I weeded out some flaky friends.

Either way, the food was great and so was bowling. I had a lot of fun, even though I wish Chubecca could've stayed longer. Work sucks! Speaking of which...

Work:

We haven't had a department manager for quite some time, so a lot of stuff that needs to be done in our department isn't getting done. One of the girls in my department transferred to a different Mart, which only leaves two of us. For a while they had the other girl opening, but this was due to our assistant manager not doing the scheduling. I was being left to close in both departments by myself a lot, which really pissed me off. Sometimes I don't mind, but it quickly became too much for me, and so there would constantly be baskets left. I would go in the department and immediately want to walk out. I haven't been doing much, it's so fucking ridiculous. But now, supposedly we're both going to close, which means I can go back to managing just one department. I'm paranoid of getting fired, but sometimes I just don't care. This place is such BULLSHIT constantly.

School:

I just talked to the Counselor from University of Phoenix. She is going to email me my application, and we're going to work on it. I'm really excited about going. I hope I can, I should be able to.
Every now and then I wonder if my ultimate career goal is not realistic. I think it's the money that worries me. Bleh.

Other stuff:

Going to Comic Con is still up in the air. I don't even have a ticket yet, and waiting in line there for a ticket is hellacious. Chubecca really wants me to go and they don't mind giving me a ride. I guess I just may not know until the weekend before. I want to go, there's so much I want to see now, and Sentie will be there, too. -le sigh-

That's it for now, methinks.

tonegativeone @ 2007-07-05T03:38:00

2007-07-05T10:45:41Z

These dreams are starting again. I've observed they come in clusters, and torment me for a month or so at a time, until I'm half sick and stay up restlessly until 5 in the morning until my body can't bear it and I have to sleep. With the dreams comes the awful feelings, too.

I've given up on thinking these dreams hold meanings, all they do is torment me now. Am I mental? I become so miserable when this happens. It has been awhile, thankfully, since I've gotten physically sick from the dreams, but with this wave, I am. Not all the warmest blankets in my house can warm the violent chills I get.

It could be all in my head, subconsciously making myself feel this way.

Hopefully this weekend will make me forget these horrible nightmares.

tonegativeone @ 2007-06-29T10:05:00

2007-06-29T17:23:23Z

Since a couple of days before my birthday, I've felt really lethargic.

I don't care about my "communities" on the internet right now, even though I am trying to be more active in them.

I don't care if I get fired from work.

I don't care that I'm losing touch with people.

I don't care that I'm going to be a day late getting Pandora's shots.

I just don't feel like caring.

I care that he didn't acknowledge my birthday. I'm angered that it upset me more than I expected. I didn't expect to care Andy forgot my birthday, too.

I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Part of me wants to quit work and mope around, but the other and stronger part wants to quit work and find a new job, or at least quit work and dive into school. I just want to go to school and not worry about an impounded car or a job that constantly reminds me that I could be on the brink of getting fired for missing days when I'm sick.

I don't care if no one wants to read this.

For some reason, even when I feel like this, I always appreciate life.

All I want to do lately is bury myself in my Harry Potter e-books:o NERD ALERT!

tonegativeone @ 2007-06-29T02:37:00

2007-06-29T09:38:15Z

I just watched the most depressing episode of InuYasha EVER. Oh man, fucking anime! How dare you make me cry and feel so sad!

*sniffles* Seriously, it made me cry.

I was going to write an actual entry, but I got too upset. Man I'm a wuss.

tonegativeone @ 2007-06-17T11:52:00

2007-06-17T19:08:36Z

From a messageboard:

====================================

I won't pretend to be shocked, I knew this was coming. All I was doing was prolonging it.

My car got impounded today before I went to work.

Preset: Mom was going to be gone Friday and Saturday. Andi, not wanting to chance with fate, called up her sister to take her to work and pick her up, and in return would watch her nephew Saturday morning. Andi's sister gets off work the same time Andi has to go in, so Andi calls and lets work know she'll be running late. Andi feels good it's all taken care of and remembers she left Pandora's kennel in mom's car. Andi proceeds to stop her before she leaves to make sure her mom took it out.

Story: Andi walks around the car and out of the corner of her eye notices her car isn't there. At first she wonders if she moved it somewhere, then begins to panic. Andi tells mom, mom panics and gets out of the car. They both look up and down the street and see around the corner a tow truck and Andi's car on top.
Andi's mom rushes across the street yelling, followed by her little brother with an anger problem. Andi is barefoot and burns feet in 100º heat on cement and asphalt. When she gets there, mom is cussing at the guys and her brother is in the background yelling a bunch of nonsense. Man gives mom a card, and then we go back to the house.

Andi calls her sister, and her sister could pretty much care less. She tries to be calm but comes across like a complete bitch. Mom hurries in her car to the address on the card. Mom finds out it's a wrong address and the company has since moved. Mom goes to a side building and gets correct info. Mom comes home, still in tears, calls the place and finds out the amount. Lady on the phone is being an assy bitch. $35 per day plus about $200 worth of random costs if not more. Andi cannot get her car out until she has her license, tags updated, and insurance. Andi finds she will have to come up with $1300 or so. Her sister and mom yell at each other for 30 minutes and finally her sister takes her to work. Sister reminds her how Andi now cannot do a thing for her 21st birthday.

The end

=====================

At first I felt like it was a big burden off my shoulders until I realized my family wouldn't let it go and I'd have to pay for it even though I don't want it back. So I have to somehow save $1500 for something I really don't want.

tonegativeone @ 2007-06-13T13:33:00

2007-06-13T20:41:35Z

If there was ever a day in these past 7 months that I really wish I didn't have a job would be today. I am sick and want to relax. Not laze around on my fatass relax, but do stuff like take my dog to the park or play video games with my brother even though he annoys the crap outta me. Even do the dishes and my laundry. But I know that if I lose my little, insignificant job at the Mart, my life would be boring and my mother and I would fight, and I'd be more of a mess.

So here I am, forcing myself to just go even though I have a nasty cough and a runny nose. I have an easy department ..well, easy sometimes, so I can be thankful for that. And YES, I AM thankful I have my insignificant job at the Mart.

I fear I rub off on people, though. My cow, A, has been there a couple years. She's a great worker. Now she is starting to get sick of working at the Mart, just absolutely sick of it and how they take advantage of her. I can't help but feel I've rubbed off on her with my attitude that "Sure, this is a fine place to work, but not for more than 2 years at the most unless you've set up goals there."

That is one thing I admire about the Mart. Anyone can work their way up to the top. There are a few instances of cart pushers and janitors making it to Store Manager, and that is great for them.

I guess that's it.

Friends from the past

2007-06-09T23:44:14Z

I just got off the phone with my former best, best friend - almost soulmate, Rachel. She ditched her abusive baby's daddy and is FINALLY living at home with her mother. She said she's realized all the damage that has been done to friends and family and most importantly herself and is now trying to pick up the pieces. Talking to a non depressed and sober Rachel seemed like the years inbetween vanished, and we were never separated.

She told me about a new guy she's seeing, someone who isn't abusive and almost hippy-like. I told her about Rebecca and her man and told her that Rebecca's been my closest friend for awhile now. I felt silly, but I told Rachel how glad I was to hear from her like this, giving me nothing but good news, but I said it felt weird because she did hurt me a lot, and I've moved on, I've made new friends, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world, and a new best friend, Rebecca. Not that I am stranger to have more than one best friends, but while Rachel let her controlling man kick me to the curb, I mended myself and moved on.

She told me everyone else can hold a grudge against her all they want, but she would go to the ends of the Earth to patch things up with me. I kind of shocked myself with how my forgiveness and understanding of the situation she was in poured out from me. I was just so happy that she got her life back. I understand what it's like to be caught in an emotional web and have all the decisions you make lie in another's hands.

I better go before I'm late.