|Here I Am...Again
||[Oct. 10th, 2008|03:56 pm]
Another year, another broken heart to mend.|
So Matt's been doing great apparently, since he dumped me, got a promotion, and found someone else within a month. He most likely cheated on me as well. Karma, right? And yeah, suddenly I want to apologize to his wife. But there's not much I can do to fix that situation anymore. I've got to let this go and put it all behind me. For once in 4 long, aching years...put him behind me.
I don't wish him well or wish him luck.
I don't wish him anything except whatever karma he deserves, and for all the pain he's caused so many people and for all the lies..well..he may be happy now, but he's going to crash and burn something awful, and he'll have no special woman there to help him pick up the pieces. Not me, not his soon to be ex wife, not even his supposed soul mate. He won't have anyone except the thoughts and memories of a man who had it all and didn't know how to be faithful. I don't believe he's capable of real love at all. Just illusions. Years later when his son moves out, he's going to be alone. Alone in that big, beautiful, and empty house.
Oh right, putting this behind me..
I've been trying to heal myself from the massive blow of being discarded and forgotten after he built my hopes up once again after so long. Some people never learn, do they? I'm one of them.
Been busy with college. My English class was becoming overwhelming, so I dropped it, and feel fucking awful about it.
I'm feeling a fraction of a bit better each day, as long as I keep myself occupied.
That link Rebecca posted a bit ago of Mogulus, I've been on there almost 24/7 since she showed it to me, watching horror/sci fi movies/things and talking to people. In fact, I even made a friend! zomg.
I baked cookies last night and cried throughout. The pain seems to come most when I'm not mindlessly keeping my eyes occupied and just sitting there brain dead. Hell, even in the shower I just feel awful. I cannot handle anything that has to do with romance.
I keep saying this and mean it...I've never hated someone before. It's a terrible feeling. It's deep and dark. I should concentrate on it to help me get through this.
I'm only 22 years old. I've experienced a lot of bullshit in the love department that I should never have messed with. Thanks for jading me, asshole. But there's my Karma. Now I'll not be able to appreciate someone who really loves me because I'll believe he's a liar, and the minute I let my guard down, I'll be hurt something bad.
I don't believe in love for myself.
I think I'm going to pirate myself some PC games. I can't stand the overwhelming hurt I feel when I'm not keeping myself occupied. I seriously would not wish this kind of hurt on my worst ene - oh wait, Matt's my worst enemy and I DEFINITELY WISH THIS ON HIM.
There I go, racking myself up some bad Karma.
I really didn't know I was capable of such hate in my heart.
Damnit, this is what happens when I sit down to write a serious entry.
Sunday, going to a neat pumpkin patch with my sister and nephew.
I hope Alyssa comes over tonight...getting me out of the house will do me some good. No Eternal Darkness, though.
Ah, maybe that Pushing Daisies episode was for me this week - fresh starts, even if they hurt. Don't worry, not about to throw up rainbows here, but what the fuck else can I do? This path I'm on now...it's not where I want to be in life, not now, not ever. I never want to feel worthless like this again, and not good enough. Fuck, I don't want to hate anyone, I don't want to be jaded, I don't want all this emotional baggage. I want to go back to the end of highschool, just before this all began....I would avoid Matt like the plague and be happy. My life would have been so much different, for the better I would assume.
If your love can't keep the man you love, tears and hate aren't about to bring him back, right?
So, there's a recap of my life right now and what's going on in my head. Anger of being dumped, depression, depression, irritated with school, irritated with myself, some more depression, etc etc
I'm going to go shower since I think I drained a good enough amount of my thoughts here so that I can actually enjoy a nice, hot shower, and then I'm going to go start FaeFever FINALLY. Just been sitting there in hardback next to me all pretty and purple.